A thought provoking quote, and what it means to me?

Of all places I did not expect something like this to come to me as I was watching Brat Camp - It's a UK television series about young teenagers being taught different life skills and ways to deal with life itself. It comes the Anasazi foundation, and they run a therapeutic course in the Arizona wilderness in the USA, where they take spiritual approach to fixing broken families based on native American philosophy.

In a recent episode during the Mums and Daughters series I heard this quote and it made me feel the need to share it.

"....You have a lot of strengths, if you'll let them come through, but i think you hide a lot of this stuff behind your anger. And that's how most of us deal with sadness, is to cover it up by anger. It's much easier to be angry, its much more powerful than it is to be sad. Sad makes us feel weak." - Fred Dodini [Clinical Director, Anasazi]

This quote or statement as you like, feels so powerful to see, hear and to even read. I can see this has been applied to my life lately, especially on occasions where I've built up an expectation of something or someone, and it hasn't gone my way. Saying this makes me feel selfish, but to understand it I feel empowered. Nobody likes to feel weak. We all want to be powerful in one part of our lives or another whether it be in our occupations, our relationships or within ourselves.

I'm leaving this short so you can think about it. Think about the times you have covered up sadness with anger? please comment and release these thoughts.

Thanks,
Jen xx

December Catch up *editited in March*

December 2010 catch up blog!


I had a fairly good December for all the catastrophes that came in the months before it. It did however start the month with a pretty nasty fall, after I dodged our aging senile cat. I transferred all my weight onto my bad leg, so i would not run into her, however my leg gave way and I accidentally kicked the cat accross the room as I went flying head first into the tiles. I ended up with lots of scrapes and bruises, a nasty bump to my left eye and side of my cheek and forhead, a very sore right knee, and a jarred left hip! Luckily the cat was fine! I had had another cortisone injection into my hip in the very beginning of the month, which allowed me to have a night out with some of my newer friends and get through christmas and new year. Andrea, Hayley and I have all met in person before, even though we all originally met each other off twitter. Hayley and I have become extremely good friends over the last 18 months and have become very close as we share a similar issue with pain (check out Hayleys blog here ). This night out with her and Andrea (This was our second time hanging out with Andrea) was incredibly fun and we met her at Felix bar in St Kilda for a night of drinks, a bite to eat and Wednesday night comedy. Here’s a few pictures from a very enjoyable night. I hope to do it again soon.

Andrea, myself and Hayley at Felix Bar in Stkilda

Hayley playing around after a few drinks

Hayley and I

Christmas time


I managed to get through Christmas down in Geelong at my Cousins house. It’s a 35+ year tradition, that every year we trek down there for the day, have a big lunch with the family, sleep, pass out our KK gifts and head home about dinner time. This year was so lovely, as many other years are. One of my cousins had come home from London where she has been living for quite a few years now, so it was lovely to see her. Us “kids” all have a good laugh at the expense of our parents and grandparent/great uncle as they age, making under the table jokes and somehow turning things round so that they sound like some sort of sexual innuendo! Its crazy but always a lot of fun. I always have a good laugh with the Notini’s.

My Cousins Suzy and John Paul

Christmas Tree!!!

and here is my brother Scott... Pondering the thought of christmas (NOT)

NYE


Finally to cap off December, I was invited to Hayley’s house for NYE. She only had a small number of friends over, but it was lovely to just chill, chat & air our grievances (as opposed to making resolutions). As the clock struck 12, and we screamed happy New Year, we ran out the front to find the nearby fireworks. As we stood at the corner, we looked around to see many of her neighbours doing the same. I remember standing on the corner of her street and seeing in the distance, what looked like what was about to become a nudie run. I saw it coming. Both of them, as the two boys ran past us and stopped under the streetlight. It was incredibly funny, and I think we all had a good laugh at their expense. I had much fun, until *some of Hayley’s other guests became a bit “overwhelmed” with there alcohol intake. As being the 'sober' person of the group, I sent everyone to bed once it started to get messy.




** Ive been requested by one of the individuals at this small NYE party to edit out my last part of the NYE adventures (Even though i had previously posted this blog peice a long time ago). It's really not something i wanted to do, however out of respect, i've deleted my telling of a story which WAS the highlight of MY night.**





This latest post brings me to 2011, and now that I’ve caught you up with all my drama, and I have read all of yours, ill soon blog again with more recent happenings in my Chronic Life.



Take care, and don’t slip!
Xx Jen

Day’s… Week’s… Months

It literally has been days, weeks and months since I last blogged. This is mostly because I’ve simply been too exhausted, to tired and too ill to sit and write what I hopefully am doing right now.

Without reading back, I wonder if I had mentioned I was suffering breathing problems? Pretty much from October 2009 through till late August 2010, I suffered from what I now know is called strider. It’s the sound that comes in relation from a narrowing in the throat (stenosis). To ignore the medical terms, and to listen to me, I sounded like Darth Vader. Add this breathing noise to the sounds of using the crutches and it really like I’d walked off the set of a Star Wars movie. Anyhow to catch you up quickly, I had ended up down at the local hospital one night with difficulty breathing. Not just noisy breathing, but the actual process of moving air into my lungs, much like an asthmatic. This prompted an outpatient appointment with ENT (ear, nose and throat) at the Alfred hospital 3 months later. Once I was seen, and the young registrar had numbed the back of my nose, and inserted a camera up it and down the airway, many names were screamed. Not swearing from my mouth but the registrar yelling to other doctors to quickly come see what this young doctor was seeing for the first time in his career. I think I better explain this in the most basic way I know how:




A normal airway is roughly 10cm wide (the purple area on the picture above), and when I was scoped the young registrar saw a narrowing in my throat (just below the vocal cords) of 4mm in the trachea. This was life threatening. I was very quickly looked at by every single ENT doctor, as many up to 6 at a time lined up to have a look. I should have been dead. What I was experiencing is so incredibly rare in an adult, especially one that is a) still alive and b) moving around on crutches and talking! A “sub-glotic stenosis” is more commonly found in premature babies, when their throats don’t develop properly. This is why I caused a crowd.

I was immediately passed on to the head of the team, the head doctor and listened in shock as they explained I needed emergency surgery, they would need to perform a tracheotomy (where they slit the throat open to gain access to the airways). I was moved down to a re-suss bay in Emergency as they tried to secure a bed in ICU until they were able to operate. They needed an operating room available, and while I needed emergency surgery, they could manage my airway until then. However while down in emergency, the situation turned even direr and my airway decreased to 3mm. Within 5 mins, the whole team of ENT doctors came down, had a look down my throat again and I was told I would be in theatre within half an hour. Most of this information passed straight through me, as I was in shock. My mother was signing forms for them to do what they needed to keep me alive, and as I heard more, the more distressed I became and my breathing became even more difficult. I was rolled into theatre where there were at least 25 doctors, a dozen nurses and 2 anaesthetists. They spared me a tracheotomy (thank goodness!) and used a balloon like device to burst through the tissue that had formed, which was causing the narrowing/stenosis. Once I came round in recovery, I felt as if I had tonsillitis, pharyngitis AND laryngitis! And by that I was in an incredible amount of pain, and I couldnt even swallow. It felt like razor blades had cut me up inside. My throat was so raw and I spent the night in the HDU (similar to ICU – High Dependence Unit). Anyhow I was released the next day and had to go vote! That was the last thing I wanted and I couldn’t even enjoy a sausage afterwards. :(
To cut the story short, I have been having check ups every 4 weeks since, and since that fateful day in august, I have needed an operation every 8 weeks (20th of August, 28th of October & 16th of December 2010 so far) to open my airway. In the 2nd and 3rd surgery, they have used the same ballooning technique, but also used a laser to break up the tissue, and have applied a chemotherepy drug called mitomyocin C. First they painted it on the affected area of the throat (just below the vocal cords), and in December they injected it. However my throat continues to close, and now its a choice of being able to move (on crutches) and not breath or to not move at all and manage my breathing?
This was completely not what I needed when dealing with my hip as it was. Besides the fact I cant move, this throat problem (which Why i have it is still unknown as is why it wont stay open...)affects almost every aspect, especially with relation to pain. Im not allowed to start feldenkris (a pain management therepy)until my breathing is under control, and I cant seem to do my deep breathing exercises for pain, as I run out of air!
When my airway closes, I have noticed that when I sleep, not only am I sleeping longer, but getting a very poor quality of sleep (sleeping for 8 hours, feeling like I’ve slept for 1 hour), consistently tired, I become lethargic and my voice changes into a more husky sound.
So I apologize about my lack of blogging over the last few months, sometimes there’s been nothing I’ve wanted to do but blog, but haven’t had the energy to type.
Stay tuned and I’ll try and fill in the end of last year.

Stay safe and keep breathing ;) - that's what ill be trying to do!!!
Xx

PS: As of mid Febuary my throat is open to just below 50%. I will have another check in 2 weeks times, however it will most likely need to be dilated again.