A friend of mine recently made a comment in her latest blog post about her previous goals and achievements and how her life has changed, now that those goals are now not achievable. I was thinking about this the night before she had posted. What were my goals prior to my accident and where is my life going now?
To begin with; I’ve always had a passion for sport and exercise and probably from around the time I was 15 or 16, I began to have an interest in health too. In year 10 we had a seemingly silly PE elective that was mandatory and didn’t have a good reputation from previous years. However this PE subject which was mostly about fitness with two physical classes each week, and this is when I decided I’d change my life around. During the course of this subject I went from an overweight teenager, who although enjoyed netball and many other team sports, was not technically“fit”, to a student who was enthusiastic about fitness and health, with a teacher who not only encouraged me personally but helped me gain control over my body again. From this I went onto achieve many things including a couple of Great Victorian Bike Rides!
So I guess you could say I knew exactly what I wanted to be since year 10, and that goal hasn’t changed since.
Throughout VCE I undertook in a subject called Outdoor education and environmental studies. I thoughourly enjoyed not only the physical aspects of this subject such as camping, hiking, rock climbing, surfing etc, but also learning about the environment such as the different ecosystems around us, and what we can do to help them. After VCE, I enrolled in a university course of this nature, Outdoor education at La Trobe University. I deferred this course for a year for many reasons, one of which was my dad had been diagnosed with cancer again (for the 4th or 5th time), and I wasn’t ready to leave home. Throughout the year I had off my goals did not change. I even volunteered back at my old high school to help out with the outdoor ed program throughout the year. When it came time to ensure my place back in University, I found that they had begun a new course that was a double major of both Phys ed and Outdoor ed under an education degree. Absolutely perfect! I thought I’d struck gold and become the luckiest person alive when I was accepted. Particularly when I had to apply as a mature age student and only had one of nine places to fill for the non-year 12’s!
I had a pretty successful first semester and in second semester of my first year I had my accident. I continued for another year and a half taking withheld grades for the subjects I couldn’t complete because of the physical demands, and I continued to believe I was going to get better. By the time I had reached my 3rd year of a 4 year course, my health in regard to my hip was going downhill fast. I took a year off, and after some deep thought decided to enrol in a double major of phys ed and HEALTH. It was very similar to my previous course, it was at the same campus, and best yet I could carry my completed PE subjects into the new course, making me have an almost complete PE major before I had even started a new 4 year course.
(2006 Alps trip, La Trobe Uni, Bendigo)Once again, I had an even more successful first semester of uni, gaining high distinctions in 3 out of 4 subjects and missing out on the 4th HD by only a few marks. By second semester, things had begun to unravel once again. The same story of which you have been previously reading about in earlier blog posts once again consumed my life and pushed out my studies. Now the New Year has begun, and once again I’m awaiting my now 4th hip surgery. My expectancy of my goal of becoming a PE/health teacher is declining.
I’m a good student. My grades have shown that. I’m passionate about my subjects and what they are about. However….
I wonder how much more my body can take. I wonder how much more I can emotionally take and most recently what will my future hold? Will I be able to complete my university studies? Will I be able to spend the 8am to 5pm maybe even until 7pm days surrounded by students? Can I handle that? Emotionally and physically? I promised myself I’d never be a teacher who stood on the sidelines. I always planned to be actively involved because I think the ones that do make the best teachers.
I’ve spent the better part of just over three years on heavy prescription pain meds, and I’m unsure for how much longer I will be on them. I have a decent amount of nerve damage in my left leg which means that I can only achieve 2/3rd’s of the strength the other leg can have, in other words, I’ve lost of 30% of my strength output. I’m now on anti-depressants (much to my despair) because I had reached a point where I can no longer emotionally deal with my physical pain.
I may have only been talking about one goal here, but it is a major part of my life right now and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. A lot of effort and time has gone into this goal, and many achievements have been made. It’s not only my time and effort, but those of my high school teachers, my lecturers, and my family and friends for getting me to this point.
I feel I have achieved so much, but yet I’m so far away from where I want to be. I had planned to study oversea's during first semester of my 3rd year. Will I ever get there? I am about to take more time off from my uni studies to recover from surgery and to come off the medication. Whats next for me? Am I destined to do what i've wanted to do for the last 7 years of my life?
It's hard enough worrying about having enough money to pay rent and the bills, in a home i hardly live in, let alone what does the future hold?
Take care and much love,
Jen xx
PS: post allows annoyomous comments
Have you thought about Open Uni?
ReplyDeleteThat's what I do. I've never been great with spending large amounts of time in places where there are lots of people.
Chances are, you won't be able to find any sport units but it sounds like you've done most of them anyway. I did a year of social work at Latrobe, and they had great public health subjects. Perhaps they provide some subjects like that. I know it's not exactly what you had in mind, but personally, I think that if you've had the same dream since you're 16, and the only thing holding you back is a physical issue, then it's worth finding another way to reach the dream, even if it means studying from home.
And I think you're strong, and brave, and whatever you decide doing, I think every one of your friends and family will stick by you.
<3 Ruby
Thanks Ruby! I really want to complete my university degree, and i want to do whatever it takes. I just hate the thought that my dreams and goals are almost within reach but are so far away.
ReplyDeletexx
I think it's important to take your time with studying. Do one subject per semester if you can manage. It's a long time to do a degree but if it helps your health then that's great.
ReplyDeleteOpen unis may be good. But contact with others can really help illnesses.
But I'm a firm believer that doing something, even if it's small steps, really helps your health, outlook and motivation.
I know when My lifes not full I feel more lethargic and less motivated. Of course there needs to be a balance so your health doesn't suffer. But I believe you can do it.
I do uni part time and work full time and love it. I love the pace. It is often a distraction from my illness. I set goals with study and reach for the stars, and getting great results is rewarding.
Give it a go. One subject per semester? Sign up with the disability liaison unit too - mine are great at RMIT.
Good luck
Hi carly!
ReplyDeletethanks so much for commenting. Im at Latrobe in Bendigo, and because its a country campus, i've got very good relationships with lecturers and admin staff. Its good becaused i dont really have to explain much, and they understand, especially as the injury occured on a university camp, and they were liable. When i changed courses last year (im doing a double major of health and PE in education P-12), i got to carry over my PE credits (which is enough to equal a major) so from this year onwards i have a reduced course load anyhow. My illness/injury doesnt have to be longterm. Unfortunatly ive just had a really bad run where its turned into chronic pain because theres a mechanical problem which is the trigger.
Luckily there is the possibility for it to go away once the mechanical problem is fixed.
Unfortunatly because i dont work, i rely on centrelink youth allowence to cover my expenses each fortnight. I would love the opportunity to work, however its impossible atm, when my body is unpredicable and like Hayley, i dont know how its going to react in certain circumstances. If i was to reduce my load to part time or less, i would lose out on my centrelink benifits, i dont "have a permanent disability" in centrelink's eyes, which is stupid.
I do have a disability liason officer at uni, which is great, particually during exam period, however im fortunate to be a small campus where the lecturers know their students quite well and can often help out, particulary in a situation such as mine (ie, ive been given over 18 months to finish off a couple of subjects from first and second year!)
Thank you so much though for your imput. I will have to see how open unis deal with education and teaching rounds etc. It might be a possibility later on, if my illness doesnt get better, once they fix the trigger.
Its just increadibly frustrating when you have a good run for 4 or 5 months or so (ie a semester) and you achieve results in the high 80's mid 90's doing a full load + finishing off two other subjects which is like doing half a subject, just without having to attend the classes, and suddenly your bedridden for the rest of the year! Im proud of what ive achieved so far, and im proud that ive perservered over the last 4 years, and still am reluctant to say no more. I want to graduate no matter how long it takes. :D
I applaud you for finding that balance in life. So many cant, and often breakdown from too much of one thing.
Thanks Hun,
Lots of love, and take care XX
Thanks for this post, Jen, it's really great to learn more about your past! It crushes me to read this also,though, because I know how hard it is to have your body start to dictate your future. It's so confusing, you just want to stop and yell at the sky "BUT I HAD A PLAN!!". The only condolence I can offer is that you are not alone and you will remain beautiful and special, no matter what changes you have to make to the long term plan...and it's ok to just put that in a brain box and let it simmer while you deal with the problems of the present. It's ok to let the future be a bit blurry and distant for a while and just take it day by day.
ReplyDeleteFriday shall be grand!! xx