friend envy

Hi,
Wow two blog posts in one night. No, I hope to make this short and sweet. A friend of mine, who I’ve commented on before, was the one who influenced me to start a blog of my own. As she continues her Journey through chronic pain, she continues to write in a way which I’m amazed at. I wish I was able to say the things she does in her own blog, as often I feel almost exactly the same way.

Last night she posted a heartfelt entry, in which I would like to take a few words of what she said, so I can express a similar feeling. I'd most of all like to speak about envy and jealousy.

I often wonder if my friends (who I care deeply about) know the full extent of what I’m going through. Chronic pain in any shape is more debilitating than just the physical effects. It affects me emotionally and mentally as well. Quite a while ago in this recent series of my life, I hit an emotional wall very early in the sequence of events in which I was more than ready to give up. I simply couldn’t fight anymore. The more pain I was in, the more I cried. I couldn’t take the constant battle of life, the simplest of tasks such as showering and going to the toilet was so incredibly difficult. The fact is I’m ALWAYS in pain. I take around 20 pain killers a day. My head is a maze of cotton wool. My life now resolves around a small portion yet critical part of my body. The hip is such a detailed, complicated structure compared to a knee or ankle, not that those body parts can’t cause the same amount of pain. However when surgery is involved, there are many more muscles to cut through before you can get to the structure that is a ball and socket.
Many of you know that I have a hip problem but to be more specific I suffer from chronic pain which has come from the length of time that this injury has affected my body. I suffer from nerve damage which has meant I have lost a third of the strength that my leg could expel, and finally I have a constant mechanical problem of the hip joint which is what has lead me into this journey. I hope that this explanation helps you understand a bit clearer why I am this way. Chronic pain is a lonely experience that has become my personal battle. Because of this I want to not be forgotten, and a far memory, because you are all in my heart, everyday.

This friend I talked about earlier perfectly penned a post weeks ago about ‘friend envy’. This is exactly what I have. I loved to see the pictures of parties and clubs you had gone to, I loved to hear about what happened and who said what to whom. However I miss that I could not join you. I hate that my life evolves around my health and hip problem, but I love that you ask how I am. I hate that all I have to really talk about is my hip, and I’m sure you’re sick of it too. I thank you for continuing to invite me to events, although I generally have to decline, I thank you for visiting me when I’m in hospital, but hate that I’m home alone.

Although I did not intend for that to sound like the poem out of ‘10 things I hate about you’ it’s all true. I admit that I’m jealous that you can live a fairly carefree life, complete your goals and further your life and yet don’t have to worry about the consequences apart from maybe the hangover you might suffer. I don’t know if you have other consequences from this joy you get out of life, however one day I’d like to join you, and hope that you accept that although I am envious, I would like to be free from what’s holding me back. But I am proud of your achievements and happy you reach your goals, but I miss that I don’t get to share those times with you. I love catching up with you, because I thank you that you care enough to make the effort, especially when I can’t return the favour.

Although I took more words from Hayley’s post than I meant to, it’s because it’s true. You can read Hayley’s post about friend envy Here . We lead very similar yet extremely different lives. I hope I haven’t spoken too harshly, or made you feel things you shouldn’t; I just wanted to express my feelings in the only way I know how. I hope the words came out clear, as this haze in my head never disapears.
I thank you once more for reading this and you comments are most appreciated (you don’t need an account to post a comment).

Love and all that matters,
Jen Xxo